Old Man Grumbles
by Music Consultant Graham

The title of my latest column idea should give you a good idea of what you’re in for. I mean, how can you turn 35 and not be pissed off at the state of (insert your favorite pastime/passion here)? You gotta vent occasionally right? And what more responsible way than through the (relative) anonymity of a friend’s blog?

So without further ado…

First, check out the top 20 Billboard singles for the week of July 7, 1984 (almost 20 years ago to the day!). Take a deep breath and savor the video-gilded memories:

1. When Doves Cry - Prince
2. Dancing In The Dark - Bruce Springsteen (oh Courtney, you’ve come a long way baby)
3. Jump (For My Love) - Pointer Sisters
4. Self Control - Laura Branigan
5. The Reflex - Duran Duran
6. Eyes Without A Face - Billy Idol
7. Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
8. Almost Paradise - Mike Reno & Ann Wilson
9. The Heart Of Rock ‘N’ Roll - Huey Lewis & The News
10. Legs - ZZ Top
11. Let’s Hear It For The Boy - Deniece Williams
12. Magic - The Cars
13. Doctor! Doctor! - Thompson Twins
14. Infatuation - Rod Stewart
15. Borderline - Madonna
16. Dance Hall Days - Wang Chung
17. Sad Songs (Say So Much) - Elton John
18. Oh Sherrie - Steve Perry
19. Ghostbusters - Ray Parker Jr.
20. Breakin’...There’s No Stoppin’ Us - Ollie & Jerry


Save for a few titles I don't recognize, almost every one is a classic, or at least very memorable in a pleasant way (erm…except maybe the Steve Perry song*). Need evidence? The majority of these songs make up a good chunk of the playlist at your local-Clear-Channel-affiliate ‘80s ‘oldies’ station. Turn one on sometime and you’ll see what I mean.

Now check out this week's top 20:

1. Burn, Usher
2. Confessions Part II, Usher
3. The Reason, Hoobastank
4. I Don't Wanna Know, Mario Winans Featuring Enya & P. Diddy
5. If I Ain't Got You, Alicia Keys
6. Overnight Celebrity, Twista
7. Naughty Girl, Beyonce
8. This Love, Maroon5
9. Freek-A-Leek, Petey Pablo
10. Yeah!, Usher Featuring Lil Jon & Ludacris
11. Roses, OutKast
12. Slow Motion, Juvenile Featuring Soulja Slim
13. Move Ya Body, Nina Sky Featuring Jabba
14. On Fire, Lloyd Banks
15. All Falls Down, Kanye West Featuring Syleena Johnson
16. Jesus Walks, Kanye West
17. Everytime, Britney Spears
18. Tipsy, J-Kwon
19. Meant To Live, Switchfoot
20. Turn Me On, Kevin Lyttle Featuring Spragga Benz

After the shock of seeing ‘Our New Age Lady of the Lake’ Enya paired with fashion/celebrity mogul and occasional musician P. Diddy, and following the raising-of-the-eyebrow reaction to artists with impenetrable names like Hoobastank and Switchfoot, what are we left with? Lessee …Roses by Outkast. Nice tune. After that I’m at a loss, save for some held out hope for the Britney tune (I liked ‘Toxic’ okay?).

Admittedly, I don't have MTV anymore and I don’t listen to top 40 radio…(the sound of breaks, tires squealing) ‘Now wait a minute!’ you may be thinking, or even shouting, aloud, to your computer screen. To which I, reaching into my knapsack of hoary clichés, say, “The proof is in the pudding!” But, if that’s not enough, keep this in mind: unlike the current charting singles, most of the 1984 hits were unavoidable. They weren’t just on MTV and the radio; they practically were in the air you breathed. Usually because it’s summer and the car next to you at the intersection had their radio turned up. Or the cover band in the lounge of the cheesy restaurant that you worked at during college played them every night. Remember just a few months ago how, even if you never watched MTV or turned on a radio, you couldn’t avoid Outkast’s ‘Hey Ya’? That’s what I’m talking about. The point is that they were memorable – and in a good way. Ask almost anyone of a certain impressionable age who lived through that era and they’ll for the most part be able to hum the choruses of these tunes – and what’s more, they’ll probably enjoy it (again, except for maybe ‘Oh, Sherrie’**). How many of this week’s top 20 will make the playlist of our future Clear-Channel Government-approved ‘oughties’ oldies station – much less be hummable to tomorrow’s bitter thirty-somethings?

But, state-of-the-world griping and Clear Channel conspiracy theories aside, I really write less to bury Hoobastank and more to praise the year 1984. Check this out this list of the top 100 songs of 1984 ranked by Billboard:

Billboard Top 100 Songs of 1984:
(This information is taken from the book "Billboard’s Hottest Hot 100 Hits" by Fred Bronson.)

100. Some Guys Have All The Luck - Rod Stewart
99. An Innocent Man - Billy Joel
98. Doctor! Doctor! - Thompson Twins
97. Desert Moon - Dennis DeYoung
96. Blue Jean - David Bowie
95. Read ’Em and Weep - Barry Manilow
94. On The Dark Side - John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band
93. Dancing In The Sheets - Shalamar
92. I Still Can’t Get Over Loving You - Ray Parker, Jr.
91. The Language Of Love - Dan Fogelberg
90. The Longest Time - Billy Joel
89. Round And Round - Ratt
88. Lights Out - Peter Wolf
87. New Moon On Monday - Duran Duran
86. Breakin’...There’s No Stoppin’ Us - Ollie & Jerry
85. Magic - The Cars
84. Think Of Laura - Christopher Cross
83. Cruel Summer - Bananarama
82. Head Over Heels - The Go-Go's
81. Wrapped Around Your Finger - The Police
80. Let The Music Play - Shannon
79. Nobody Told Me - John Lennon
78. Thriller - Michael Jackson
77. Pink Houses - John Cougar Mellencamp
76. Got A Hold On Me - Christine McVie
75. I’m So Excited - Pointer Sisters
74. They Don’t Know - Tracey Ullman
73. Breakdance - Irene Cara
72. Adult Education - Daryl Hall & John Oates
71. You Might Think - The Cars
70. Love Somebody - Rick Springfield
69. To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before - Julio Iglesias & Willie Nelson
68. I Can’t Hold Back - Survivor
67. If Ever You’re In My Arms Again - Peabo Bryson
66. Strut - Sheena Easton
65. Legs - ZZ Top
64. Cover Me - Bruce Springsteen
63. Almost Paradise - Mike Reno & Ann Wilson
62. Lucky Star - Madonna
61. Sad Songs (Say So Much) - Elton John
60. Miss Me Blind - Culture Club
59. If This Is It - Huey Lewis & The News
58. I Want A New Drug - Huey Lewis & The News
57. All Through The Night - Cyndi Lauper
56. The Warrior - Scandal featuring Patty Smyth
55. State Of Shock - The Jacksons
54. Eyes Without A Face - Billy Idol
53. Purple Rain - Prince & The Revolution
52. Borderline - Madonna
51. Sister Christian - Night Ranger
50. I Can Dream About You - Dan Hartman
49. Sunglasses At Night - Corey Hart
48. Better Be Good Me - Tina Turner
47. Infatuation - Rod Stewart
46. No More Lonely Nights - Paul McCartney
45. Girls Just Want To Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper
44. Automatic - Pointer Sisters
43. The Heart Of Rock & Roll - Huey Lewis & the News
42. Twist Of Fate - Olivia Newton-John
41. I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues - Elton John
40. Here Comes The Rain Again - Eurythmics
39. Drive - The Cars
38. 99 Luftballons - Nena
37. Oh Sherrie - Steve Perry
36. She Bop - Cyndi Lauper
35. Stuck On You - Lionel Richie
34. That’s All! - Genesis
33. Penny Lover - Lionel Richie
32. Running With The Night - Lionel Richie
31. Somebody’s Watching Me - Rockwell
30. The Glamorous Life - Sheila E.
29. Break My Stride - Matthew Wilder
28. Joanna - Kool & the Gang
27. Jump (For My Love) - Pointer Sisters
26. Hold Me Now - Thompson Twins
25. The Wild Boys - Duran Duran
24. Self Control - Laura Branigan
23. Let’s Go Crazy - Prince & The Revolution
22. Hard Habit To Break - Chicago
21. Talking In Your Sleep - The Romantics
20. Caribbean Queen (No More Love On The Run) - Billy Ocean
19. Dancing In The Dark - Bruce Springsteen
18. The Reflex - Duran Duran
17. Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
16. Let’s Hear It For The Boy - Deneice Williams
15. Missing You - John Waite
14. I Feel For You - Chaka Khan
13. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go - Wham!
12. Out Of Touch - Daryl Hall & John Oates
11. I Just Called To Say I Love You - Stevie Wonder
10. Ghostbusters - Ray Parker, Jr.
9. Footloose - Kenny Loggins
8. Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) - Phil Collins
7. Owner of A Lonely Heart - Yes
6. Hello - Lionel Richie
5. Like A Virgin - Madonna
4. Karma Chameleon - Culture Club
3. Jump - Van Halen
2. What’s Love Got to Do With It - Tina Turner
1. When Doves Cry - Prince

‘Nuff said. Let us now praise 1984 as a true, golden era of pop music. Amen.

*kidding Ben!
**kidding again Ben! Sort of!